


Tyranosaurus Rick

by Ostler



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Bad Shoujo-ai, Bullying, Gen, additional blunders to come, cheesy fic, lying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 06:03:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11937876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ostler/pseuds/Ostler
Summary: Professional Liar Goldenrod "Spud" Polanski lives in an idyllic society where humans get along with Dinosaurs. On the surface everything looks surprisingly ordinary. Under the surface little realities are about to shake the little velociraptor's happy existence on its ear.Morty Smith goes on extraordinary sci-fi adventures with his Grandpa Rick. During testing out an invention Rick accidently switches Morty with a dinosaur and proceeds to have good torturous fun with said Dinosaur. Beth is caught in the middle of finalizing her divorce, and Rick's new guest is the icing on the "I need a beer" cake. It might drive her to quit drinking. Rick thinks he doesn't drink enough.Meanwhile both families have to work together to get their respective boys back but the quest for a legendary alcohol stands in the way.





	Tyranosaurus Rick

**Author's Note:**

> This ficlet is not supposed to be taken seriously. My sci-fi concepts are fast and loose. If you don't like Dinos with feathers, the designs already called for it. In this timeline Their "Rick" saved the universe from the cronenburg virus by using two cures, one of them happens to involve crossing DNA of birds, lizards, some freaky alien thing and the rest of the world just went "Schmeh" and rolled with it.

“Okay,” Spud began, “Let’s see . . .”

The raptor’s wrists wouldn’t rotate horizontally. The keyboard laid ominously flat across the table. Spud rummaged out the VR sunglasses from his messenger bag. Keyboard’s digital copy of itself rotated sideways. The dinosaur purred in glee. Eyes scanning the first few paragraphs.

_Melianol Cheri_

_Civilization History 101_

Spud balked at the title. He read a few more lines.

_When Dinosaurs and Humans first intermingled, they mistook each other for animals. Humans tried to domesticate Dinosaurs for meat, leather, and usable animal byproducts. Dinosaurs found humans to be useful yet ugly playthings. They tried forcing humans with similar desired genetic traits to mate in order to get helpful, loyal, and subservient companions who were deeply ingrained to please their masters. Problem is Dinosaurs, while animal like in appearance, have a sentiency and freedom of thought similar to most humans. Humans, while adaptable and talented at prioritizing, are an emotionally invested genus and species. Dinosaurs mate to continue the species, humans mate for love, and no cross-species couples can be made of this arrangement._

Spud gnashed his teeth, hating that last line on basis of principal, but what the customer wants the customer gets he supposed. Pewter eyes narrowed enough to make the violet ring around each pupil spark like steel. His eyes read and reread every passage. Skimming between the first line and the last line of each essay. The Library clock ticked away at a quarter to five AM. The Velociraptor yawned revealing sharp white teeth in his leathery beak. The top floor was the quietest floor in the library. Its inviting calm had beckoned many college students to nap on their couches. Spud cast a glance at the laz-e-boy. It’s inviting plushness oozed over its frame.

He shook his head so hard the cobwebs inside wriggled loose. He reread the next paragraph out loud to himself, under his breath of course. The librarian had low pitched hearing like a hawk. To Spud’s perspective, he valued not having himself traced.

_It wasn’t until three world wars later that the line between what separates the two species as a society eventually diminished. During the first world war in the ice age, small pockets of civilization were forced to survive underground together for a few thousand years. The dinosaurs slightly shrunk in size and humans started to develop a food allergy to eating birds and lizards considering what dinosaurs looked like. The second world war, these small pockets of civilization fought to take over the Earth by warring with their neighbors. Instead it took a diplomatic dispute to go foul by one leader plowing a sword into another leader’s head to remind Dinosaurs and Humans what made them the same in the first place._

Spud growled, “I forgot one.”

_The third world war, Neanderthals were discovered to be pioneers of advanced technology. They found a way around the global bird meat, and lizard meat allergy by a special food substitute. However, when they were locked away with dinosaurs during the ice age, Neanderthals domesticated Dinosaurs successfully. They bred slaves for meat, cooked them and served them back to other humans and Dinosaurs. Ten thousand years ago, the rest of the world found out about the Neanderthals industrialized cannibalism. The much-needed food allergy on both sides of the line is a biological deterrent to keep humans and dinosaurs from eating each other and thus the slaves of the Neanderthals bred back into modern society. Today’s Dinosaurs and Humans maintain old instincts today while still maintaining a Cohabitational outlook on life._

Spud craned his neck to check the clock. Time was ticking. A few hours before school. He snapped his fingers in disgust. The customer asked for a C+ on this civics report, anyway. The least he could do was print it off and humor the guy. He shook his head, no. No, that would not do. Goldenrod “Spud” Polanski was a professional, professionals owe a truth to somebody.

He craned his neck back at the clock and whined, “Darn it. I’m stretched for time!”

Spud hit control p for print, double checked the printer and dashed off. He pranced in place several minutes waiting for the essay to print off. He lamented each page whirring out slowly, achingly, and had to pace himself with the stapler. Dashing to and from, he logged off his account. He picked things up. He was in such a big hurry it was a wonder his claws didn’t click away on stairway cement.

When he went to meet his customer in front of the coffee shop. He feigned the same surprise the barista did at his presumed age. The twelve-year-old smiled on command and nodded just enough.She handed him a menu to peruse while cleaning off the nearest table. Spud schooled his features. His feathers were puffed up in agitation. He had school in the next two hours and looked no more forward to it than he did to the barista who could only stop and stare.

“What?” he stammered but hid it under a false cheer, “So is this everything that’s right here?”

Okay, so maybe Spud knew he was lying by showing the barista the menu with the essay she ordered inside. His conscience just would not let him go about helping kids cheat on their homework. Spud’s cream colored feathers flared in from nose to neck. If his pin feathers weren’t covered in so much baby down he’d have puffed up like a cockatiel under duress. The barista held the carafe high overhead. Eyes skimming the essay.

“Yes that’s the ess-“ Barista trailed off when Spud coughed, the deal was supposed to be secret, “Say would you like something on the menu?”

“I’ll take a coffee,” stated Spud, “Make it a chai latte, decaf and mmmm.”

He gave the air an appreciative whiff.

“Is that an Irish Cream au Chocolate I smell?” he asked.

The Barista scooped up the menu and hidden essay all in one go. Spud visibly relaxed, thankful the lie he was producing went off without a hitch yet.

“You’ve got a good nose on you Mr. Polanski. We use real Lunar Legends Whiskey in our Irish Cream,” the Barista bragged simply beaming before she added with a cringe, “I’ll have to ask for your ID though Spud. I mean teens drinking liquor? Goes without question but you . . . I didn’t expect . . .”

She giggled gaily into one fist. Cheeks flushed. Little crayon hearts practically popping up around her. Spud simply blinked back confusion. Brow ridges furrowed. What about him was she giggling about? Spud was nicknamed for being the colorway of a golden potato. He had so much chick fuzz he looked like a baby chick overcompensating for something. With his adult feathers only growing in at around his arms, neck, head, feathered cockatiel crest, and tail. He struck that awkward balance of teenage dork seen around Don Bluth Middle School. Unfortunately all of his other agemates weren’t as developmentally delayed as he was in the social and physical department.

“fresh outta the eggl?” Spud hesitated, “And no I don’t want Irish Cream but if I can watch you make the drink it’ll come in handy later.”

“You to be so damn cute!” squealed the Barista.

She flung her arms around Spud in a bone crushing hug. Oh yeah, our hero forgot he was half the size of an actual Velociraptor making him the size of a chicken at this rate. Spud flailed. He did not do hugs at all! Not since his last school bullies nearly strangled him to death down the men’s toilet.

“Oh! Wow! Yeah!” Spud gasped, the walls closing in. He patted the Barista’s arms in a vain effort to keep from clawing her open by accident, “You’re so huggy, and aw man look at the time. Can I get that chai latte to go?”

“Sure, in fact it’s on the house, no irish cream,” the Barista supplied, “Here’s the check, and I’ll be seeing your cutie-patootie later.”

“Right, Right,” Spud nodded along smoothing out his feathers, “You know I don’t do alcohol.”

“Well Duh, I’d get so fired selling alcohol to minors,” remarked the Barista her hand plopped on spud’s head in several pats, “You’re also a coffee shop regular and face it, you’re adorable.”

Spud left the building blushing from toes to beak. Heat steamed up his ears. The Barista waved bye-bye. The essay tucked away in her trapper keeper.Customers at the coffee shop saw a little kid running away from the most embarrassing gushiness ever. Sharp claws clicked away as he hurried down the street. A professional liar loyal to every customer he works with.

__

Don Bluth Middle School, loomed ever closer with every distraction offered to its students along the way. The mall, the restaurants, and a cinema sporting either its fifth remake or thirty fourth sequel a famous film. Spud checked his smartwatch fastened to the bottom of one wrist. He felt like he was making good time.

_“I want to play with . . . my dingaling.”_

The watch belted that Chuck Berry solo, causing Spud to sag a little under botched expectations. Out of all four of his siblings he’d just hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was. Scrolling through family contacts, Spud’s lips curled in disgust. Stella the Stegosaurus, Nina the Nomingia, Terrance the Tyrannosaur, but it was his Eosaurus sibling Ringo who vexed the amateur liar the most.

Five minutes to check up on a text.The self-proclaimed sarcasm master had his text ringed in girly pink hearts.

Ringo(7:04AM): Great you’re late. :D I want to pick a partner for science class but can’t do it without you. T^T

Spud rolled his eyes.He sighed, “Computer autotext please. What the heck, Ringo? Insert yelling icon. Do you want me to hold your hand?”

The notification took longer than usual to pop up. Ringo was typing.

Ringo(7:05AM): I want you to hold Hadley’s hand. Va-va’s attending class! <3 She’s so cute! ^3^

Spud prat falled into the nearest sidewalk. His mental client catalogue included Vivian Hadley a.k.a Va-va Voom or the one catholic Pachycephalosaur he kept typing up declination letters forged with the Principal’s signature. 

“Computer Autotext,” Spud coughed, “Ringo the principal’s daughter is,” he had to bite his tongue, he hated it, politeness however curved back his biting comment, “totally perfect for you to find out new things about her, but hey I’ll help you out anyway. I’ll bring flowers!”

Ringo(7:06AM): Be there or be square! 

Spud slapped the text box off on his computer. Shudders overtook his feathers wondering what new outrageous look Ringo would taking just to impress a girl, this time. Last theme Ringo tromped after the foreign exchange students, wearing a stripped shirt, beret, and offering a baguette he bought from Betty Crocker.

“Computer Autotext,” Spud exclaimed, “Ringo you’d better promise me you won’t get mad when I help you. I don’t guarantee favored endings.”

Ringo (7:06AM): Is that a no?

Ringo’s tail drooped along with the rest of him. He cursed under his breath. The signs lighting up like a neon siren along every stretch of street distracted his sight every which way. Spud set his sights on the mall.

Hubris Games and General Store

Sales 50% off with purchase of 1 videogame. 

The ear to ear grin could light up a firecracker display. Spud’s tail tip wagged. Feathers smoothed down in glee. A speck of hope shined from that General Store. Maybe Spud was seeing things but it was hard to argue with little blessings.

***

Halfway across Don Bluth Junior High, Several young students were placing out beakers and priming their dissection kits. A frog laid out splay legged in each cookie sheet. Some of the humans were shaking in their boots at having to slice open the thing, herbivores included. A few of our more carnivorous student body salivated over the lifeless creatures. 

“Alright class settle down, settle down,” the science teacher advised, high heels clicked away as the blonde navigated the lowered counter tops, “Now remember have your pens and power visors ready to record your results. Ringo quit texting your brother.”

“But Ms. Anzu,” Ringo whined.

“I mean it,” she explained, “Nina don’t text your siblings. You can watch candy colored ponies elsewhere.”

Nina shifted her gaze around the room while sneaking her cell phone back into her backpack. Her brother Terrance the Tyranosaur had a class on the opposite end of the school across the hall from Stella. The dance class was making the floor shake and the fluorescent lights shiver in mass. Ms. Anzu ignored the tremors and lectured on.

“Now class if you would please pin down your cadavers, it will soon be time to start picking partners.” Ms. Anzu exclaimed.

-0-0

By this point in time, Goldenrod “Spud” Polanski should’ve been at school! Instead he was wrestling his way past a slew of customers to the cash register. The protoceratops at the checkstand leaned over the counter on her hind legs. Forelimbs snapped out of the way of Spud’s large claws clapping on the counter. He dumped a bouquet of flowers, a virtual reality headset with the game, and Space Patrol Delta Hot-to-Gun-Totes edition all on the counter at his feet. 

“Um P-paper or plastic,” she stuttered. Well Spud was standing on the counter. She didn’t want her stubby digits punctured.

“Plastic,” Spud blurted out, prancing in place.

The products were run up. The VR headset needed to be put in its own separate red bag away from the bouquet and videogame. The school bell rang. Spud bolted through the rotating doors and smack bang into the nearest leg.

Bags scattered everywhere. The tower of meat flailed to avoid crushing the pint-sized chicken raptor. Spud darted between the human’s tree-trunk legs. The bag holding the flowers and game dangled around Spud’s neck. He reached for one bag only to bang heads with a flattened nose.

The Neanderthal towered even by human standards. His shoulders bulked out his lab coat His ponytail spread out in a circle of graying blue tufts. Salivia drizzled from the corner of his lips.

“Um,” Spud gulped, something about the man sent shivers up his pin feathers, “Pardon me.”

Being an easily bullied target had made Spud a very adaptable coward. If chills were an early warning than ducking out of sight and picking up the bag further down the road was paramount to survival. Spud rounded the corner into Don Bluth’s Middle School courtyard. Science class was the first class on the right.Va-va er _Viviane’s_ dad had rounded the corner to the left.

“Principal Hadley!” Spud spluttered, “Pardon me sir. Oh I have your coffee.”

He grinned.

“Chai Latte Decaf, sir, no Irish Cream,” he recited.

Principal Hadley swirled the coffee with one hand. He glowered over its rim with the other.

“And why aren’t you in class young man?” Hadley asked, “You better not be ditching school.”

“I~ was~ so into my homework I didn’t check the time,” Spud shrugged, lies rolling off his tongue like water, it wasn’t his homework but it was the truth. “My brother asked me to pick something up for him and I said I’d even bring flowers,” he pretended to cry, “Oh my dear sweet hatchmate. He looks up so much to the responsible, wise, and such Christian upstanding people.”

A little voice inside his head told him to curb the flattery. Either way Principal Hadley chuckled at the compliment.

“High school must be rough huh?”

“Maybe,” Spud half lied. The high schoolers were harder to manipulate than the junior high kids but heck he had friends in high places, who owed him favors, “But yeah I’m doing good. I have my work cut out for me.”  
  


“Good lad,” Hadley praised.

Spud jogged past the principal. Relief flush through an escaped sigh. 

“Oh and Goldenrod,” Principal Hadley Harrumphed.

Spud froze.

“Videogames are not allowed on school campus,” Principal Hadley insisted, “The technology stays with me until after school . . . unless.”

“Unless what?” Spud interrogated.

“You have enough to share.” Hadley intoned with one cock of his head and an upturned eyebrow. Spud hung his head and sighed.

Spud shook his head no. There were no magic words that could be used to get him out of this. He wanted the game so badly it ached.

“Then remember that whenever you bring things to school.” Principal Hadley lectured, “Now get to class. Dr. Anzu will assign you a partner.”

An affectionate headbutt spurred Spud in the right direction. To him everything seemed to tower. To the school board, the question to ask was what was cheaper? A building catering to the size range of some of the school’s larger dinosaur participants with extra stuff to help the smaller dinos keep up with elephantine dinos or the standardized school with one size fits all even if that fit is between a tight squeeze and a big jump. Spud whirled around an extra tall chair that at least allowed him to reach the desk. He loved being short and hoped to go unnoticed.

Unfortunately Dr. Anzu cleared her throat drawing everyone’s gaze to the fluffy elephant in the room.

“Why Goldenrod Polanski,” Dr. Anzu quipped, “Look at the time. How nice of you to join us.”

Spud gulped, willing the floor to swallow him chair and all. Some kids snickered. Ringo yells, “You made it!”

Spud’s head sunk into his shoulder blades. Pupils shrunk enough to illuminate the violet flecks in his eyes. He buried his head on his desk hoping the class would just stop laughing. Like sheep they all rounded on the little guy. Viviane stepped away from the table.

“Wait Dr. Anzu, don’t be harsh on Spud,” she exclaimed, “He’s been helping at the school with homework and doing errands on the way here which is very irresponsible to do so close to class but Daddy-er-Principal Hadley lectured him. May I be his partner since he was the last to have one . . . please?”

The most popular girl at Don Bluth middle school just brushed by Ringo leaving him shell shocked, slack jawed, and eyes agape in horror. Ringo glared mouthing a what the f? Spud casually rolled with the punches and shrugged before tuning him out altogether. Viviane accepted the flowers with a small smile before tearing their blooms off. Pieces of botanical gore fluttered to the floor in a violen nom-fest of gnashing molars and frenzied feeding. Vivian paused to dab her lips. She smiled cutely back at Spud, mouth full of Ringo’s decimated bouquet. 

“Mmmm, mmmm, M!” Vivian hummed, “Sorry I’ve been so nervous I missed breakfast.”

“You missed,” Ringo spluttered.

Jealousy burned red hot coals in his torment. He was trying to look like a bad boy for this favorite girl. His feathers were dyed deep black like a used sharpie. His contacts were black and his cigarette was fake. In fact he swallowed the crushed lollipop and nearly choked on the stick. There sat his prepubescent brother and the hadrosaur of his dreams leaning in cheek to cheek. Oh the romantic irony!

In reality Vivian was whispering under her breath. This was just a business deal like any other. Vivian’s homophobic fan club sighed in bliss while seething in rage. Spud pulled her in for a cuddle. It was actually a one armed hug of support.

“I can’t live like this anymore,” Vivian whispered, “The dates, the cuddles, it feels so wrong somehow and not me at all. I wanted to make my Daddy happy.”

“Rouses aren’t supposed to last,” the professional liar exclaimed, he licked his lips thinking carefully about what to say next, “Look when my Mom and Dad had the same problem you had their families were absolutely unsupportive okay. Maybe we all marry for different reasons. Maybe even the kindest man in existence can also be a douche even if he were evil or not. Bottom line, you’re perfect the way you are and anyone who can appreciate perfection will support in the dark, cheer for you when you find your place in the sun, and love you always through the good times and bad.”

“That’s so romantic,” Vivian gushed.

“Well that’s how you pick up girls, you speak from the heart and listen to what they have to say. If what they say or do irks you constantly without reprieval than you won’t feel like a happy couple. If you can bend, give, support each other without imprisoning each other than you can make a relationship work.” Spud advised, “But since this could be our last fling together. Could you do me a favor.”

Spud whispered in Vivian’s ear, “Ringo’s crush of the week went from Les Fleur to “Va-va”. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him on the road trying to peacock himself out but maybe someone who’s walked the same footprints might . . . y’know.”

Vivian blushed her cheeks burned on either side of her frown. Spud heaved a sigh not knowing what to say in his brother’s defense. Sometimes he was afraid.

“But-you-don’t-have-to!” Spud reiterated changing his tune and plan on a dime, “Being comfortable in your own skin is just as important as not being pushed around.”

Vivian bit her lip, the smile on her muzzle quivered under tearry eyes. She gave Spud a kiss on the cheek. Students leaned in. Dr. Anzu held back ready to swoop in but unwilling to stop the big show that was put on in the center of the room.

“I want to do this,” Vivian confided, giving Spud’s hand a final squeeze. The hadrosaur scrunched back from the chair, “I owe it to the person I love.”

Vivian sat across from Ringo. The girl of Ringo’s dreams, there she was, leaning to Ringo’s nose. The very same lips that locked lips with Ringo’s brother, HIS freaking brother. The lovestruck Eotyrannus’ love letter wilted in his outstretched claws. Then the other girlfriend, wait Spud had two what, had fully sucked his lips to her beak. Claws roaming down the back. Spud’s crest flew up from some little tweak. Poor reject felt like trash. The girlfriend sat next to Vivian. Her head rolled against Vivian’s shoulder for support.

“You know ahem,” Vivian coughed, and advised, “Ringo as a fellow appreciator of girls let me make one thing clear to you. I’m gay. I’ve been gay for the past whole of my life. I know what the appreciation of girls can do to a person. Heck, it arouses me too. However I can’t love you. . . I’ve been dating your brother so that boys in your position will leave me alone.”

The gasp from the crowd had Spud half wishing he had his popcorn. Ringo’s head sunk between his shoulders. Vivian brought Ringo up into a fierce hug.

“But fret not my wonderful appreciator of girls! Just be yourself! Be true to you! And everything will be A-okay!” she sniffed. 

“Yeah baby!” chimed in Vivian’s pachysephalosaur girlfriend. “Mmmm, Egghead I love it when you talk prosocial.”

“I love it when you talk dirty!” Vivian panted.

“Kiss me you sexy egghead.” Moaned Packy.

Ringo got tossed to the crowd’s edge. Vivian tackled her girlfriend in a luscious lip lock flying over the table and onto the floor. Frog cadavers and science tools went flying everywhere. Meanwhile Dr. Anzu had to call the cheering class back to their seats. Meanwhile Spud faded into the background tearing up at a job well done. He went over to his hatchmate twitching sometimes like a thrown away doll.

“Why don’t you ever tell the truth! You Bastard!” Ringo whined, “Wh-h-h-h-hy?”

Spud tutted, “I can’t afford to hurt others with my truth.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> What the Fudgies did I just write?!  
> We'll get to see Rick and Morty soon. I like my stories to have a slow burn sometimes (not too slow somewhere out there someone's chanting "show me the Morty". This just turned Chapter 1 into a hot mess with 12 year olds.  
> Right now we have absolute cheese! Dinosaurs with feathers (I like feathers) and a twisted fantasy story sure to scar some childhoods for life! It should be alright. The series has been taking equal opportunity at everything for better or worse. It should be quite interesting to see what chaos Rick unleashes on the unsuspecting populace.


End file.
